Ellen Living

Summer begins tomorrow but today reminded me of the summer days I had as a child filled with swimming, ice cream and plain old fun. The weather was perfect today to go to the pool and lie out in the sun with a good book and jump in the water any time I felt a bead of sweat on my body. The water was perfect, not too cold and not too warm. I stayed in and splashed around in the water with the kids at the pool. It was the beginning to the perfect day.

After spending a few hours at the pool it was time to take my dad out for ice cream. He loves Dairy Queen and their Strawberry Blizzard. He gets a large Blizzard and I get a small one. He’s bigger than me so he needs more to eat…

On the ride home we started to pass two girls in bathing suits, one on each side of the street. They were holding large squirt guns and as we passed they sprayed the car. You have to see my car, it is filthy and I decided to turn around and have them spray the car again to give it a washing. Well, the girls thought I was coming back to yell at them. All they saw was a 45 year old woman and my dad who is 80 in the car. As a kid what would you think?

They started running and my dad felt bad for them. I rolled down the window and let out a big laugh and one of the girls stopped. So I yelled out telling her I needed a car wash. The other girl came back and once again they stood on opposite side of the street and this time I drove slowly as they sprayed my car over and over again. My car is still filthy but I think the girls ended up with a brief tale to tell their friends about the middle-aged woman and old man who stopped for a car wash.

I dropped my dad off and came home. The fun of the day came to a halt for a time because I had work to complete for a client but will continue on this evening when I go and join in on Open Mic at Successful Blog at 7pm Chicago time. The topic for the evening is about toys. Come over and join in and have some fun.

I have been experimenting with video and thought I would try out some videocasting to give ellen Living a more personal feel. Let me know what you think.

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Originally uploaded by ellenm1206

I love this picture of Jack. It’s how I feel some days — Tired and I just want to hide out but somebody please feed me!

Jack is a great cat to have around when I’m not feeling well. He stays up on the bed with me and lies next to me. He doesn’t whine or meow or bat at me to get attention. He just waits patiently for me to pat him.

What are your pets like with you?

I came across this site yesterday where you “sit” for a musical portrait and end up with a 5 minute musical composition. The site is the Lifehouse Method and one of its creators is Pete Townsend of The Who.

The “sitting” is interesting. The process is as follows.

1. Upload a picture that best describes you or your mood.
2. Record a snippet of your voice.
3. Record a sound, either upload a file, record from your microphone or use a sound on their site.
4. Record a rhythm, either upload, record, or tap a rhythm out with your mouse.
5. Wait for your composition. You can downloaded it and share it with others.

My composition feels very peaceful to me with an intermingling of energy and movement. It starts off quietly and then brings in an even keeled tempo. Yesterday when I listened to it I thought of it reflecting my down mood but today when I listen to it I feel a simple quality of contentment. I’ll let you listen for yourself.

Ellen’s Theme

(You may need to turn your volume up to hear the audio)

Try it out for yourself at Lifehouse Method. What does your musical portrait express?

I’ve been feeling a down the last few days. We have been having rainy, cool weather that is not good for the fibromyalgia, it sometimes causes a flare in symptoms, and it doesn’t seem to be good for my mood either. Tomorrow looks to be cloudy and cool as well so I am in for another day of gloom, or at least I thought until I woke up this morning and looked outside. There I saw why we need the rain and it gave me some hope that there will be a brighter future.

The field behind where I live has transformed in the last few days changing from bare trees to a lush, green, beautiful sight. And, it will keep on transforming until I can’t see the pond behind the trees. My heart lifted from the depression I was feeling for those moments I looked over the field. It has returned, I am not sure why, but I know that it will leave and hope will return.

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What within me is in the way of getting to where I most want to be?

Now that I have examined where I am in my life and where I would like to be, whether it is a tangible goal or a spiritual ideal, I need to examine what is in my way, what is blocking me from progressing to where I would like to most be. When pondering this question we need to look at what is limiting us, holding us back from our desired goal or state.

Limiting Beliefs

Most of the time what stops us from becoming the person we envision ourselves as being are limiting beliefs. We tell ourselves we are not good enough, that we can’t do it, we are not worthy, etc.  If I believe I can’t do something it makes sense that I will fail. If I tell my self that I am not good at something I won’t take the chance of exploring an opportunity farther.

I’ve had trouble writing this post over the last couple of days due to a belief I have:  I am not a good writer.  I tell myself that a lot and at times it makes writing blog posts agonizing.  I believe that I do not communicate my ideas clearly.  Yet, when I read the comments people leave I find that my belief is not true.

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Where do I most want to be in my life?

Ah, this is the question of all questions. Most times when I ponder this question I can feel my heart soar. Even as I write this and think about the question I can feel my heart wanting to burst out and be free of the limitations of self. I feel like that bird with the broken wing who longs to fly once again.

In the introduction I mentioned that this question leads to a goal or dream but Jean at the cheerfulmonk left a comment that it takes a lot of stress of herself if she focuses “on being curious, exploring and having an adventure rather than pushing for a goal/dream.” Her comment made me think about approaching this question with a sense of wonderment. So, rather than approaching this question as having an end result like a goal I can meditate or think about the question with my heart and spirit opened to the possibilities that exist, not to necessarily limit myself to something tangible.

I read through some of my journals from the empowerment workshops I attended on Friendship Island and I found that the answers to where do I want to be in my life usually were images that were more symbolic and less goal oriented. I’ve already mentioned the bird who wants to soar. I also found a rose bush in full bloom, a diamond that shines brightly even though it’s flawed and an image of myself standing on the front of a large sailboat, arms opened wide to take in the love of others.

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It’s Open Mic Niteover at Successul Blog at 7pm Chicago time and the topic is the Joys of Being Home and so I thought I would write a little post about being at home and why I love my home.

When you come to visit you wouldn’t be very impressed with the outside of my home.  It’s contained in a 6 story, brick apartment building on a major route.  After I buzz you in I have you take the elevator up to the 5th floor and walk down a long hallway reminiscent of a hotel until you reach my door.  I greet you and have you come in and see my square box of an apartment.  It is nicely carpeted, artwork and photos adorn the walls and a mish mash of furniture and electronics scattered throughout. 

Knick knacks, mostly from my mother and my oldest sister Susan cover the standing baker’s rack from my parents.  The dining room table, too large for the room but also passed down to me from my folks, may be covered with unopened mail and magazines.  I have you come in and sit down on my sofa that is positioned just so that I can see my wide screen television and have just the right audio from my surround sound system.

That’s when I point out to you that most of the artwork was created by my sister Libby who is a wonderful illustrator and graphic designer.  Then I run into my office, the second bedroom of my apartment, and grab out my photo albums to show you pictures of family, friends and my travels.  I don’t really want you to go into my office because it currently houses 2 working computers, 2 broken ones for parts to be salvaged from to fix my friend’s computer, overflowing bookshelves with my favorite books and boxes of old software programs and lastly, paper, lots of paper.  Enough paper that I could start a recycling plant!

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Where am I in my life right now?

In order to change and grow I have to take stock of where I am in my life at this moment. I need to look at the positive and negative and accept the answers that I find. If I can’t accept my life as it is in the moment then I cannot truly change.

When I live in denial of who I am at a given moment I don’t have to take any action.

The alcoholic who is in denial doesn’t have to stop drinking because, of course, her drinking is not a problem. But once she takes that first step of admitting and accepting she is an alcoholic, that her drinking is a problem, and wanting to change then action is required.

For me, denial keeps me stuck and hitting the proverbial brick wall and asking myself why things don’t change. I blame things like having fibromyalgia and depression for my lot in life. I rely on excuses to cover up my failings. I sit and wish that things were different and when I try to make changes I seem to always end up back where I started. I don’t have a true sense of self or my position in life making it impossible to move forward.

Acceptance is the key to change.

Yet when I accept where and who I am then I can start to take the steps needed to work towards where I want to be. By asking the question, who am I right now and seeing my self in a true light, without judgement, then I can stop fighting, making excuses or hiding. Action then becomes a requirement if I truly want my life to change. I become humble.

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This is a first in a series that I am doing about 4 Questions to Ask to Facilitate Change.

Introduction

I had a fair amount of time over the last few days to think since I wasn’t feeling well and unable to go on my trip to Chicago. I started thinking about retreats I started taking back in the summer of 1985 on Friendship Island in Maine. The retreats were “empowerment workshops” for women led by one or two people from the therapeutic community and other holistic practitioners like massage therapists and healers. For several years I would spend one summer weekend on that island with no phones and no interruptions. They are memorable times.

Each workshop would start on a Friday night with a guided meditation that centered around 4 questions. The wording of the questions changed year to year depending upon the area in our lives being explored but in general they go like so.

1. Where am I in my life right now?
2. Where do I most want to be in my life?
3. What within me is in the way of getting to where I most want to be?
4. What do I need to get to where I want to be?

The beauty of these questions is that they can be worded to deal with a specific area in our lives or all encompassing when we feel that we are off the beam. They can be answered quickly to see what comes right to mind or meditated on to find that voice inside ourselves.

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