I wanted to share with you a video showing me living….yes, I am alive and well and living on the Internet…and what my thoughts are for the 1st day of my 47th year of life.
I hope you have enjoyed my ramblings…be careful there may be more!
Ellen
I’ve been feeling a down the last few days. We have been having rainy, cool weather that is not good for the fibromyalgia, it sometimes causes a flare in symptoms, and it doesn’t seem to be good for my mood either. Tomorrow looks to be cloudy and cool as well so I am in for another day of gloom, or at least I thought until I woke up this morning and looked outside. There I saw why we need the rain and it gave me some hope that there will be a brighter future.
The field behind where I live has transformed in the last few days changing from bare trees to a lush, green, beautiful sight. And, it will keep on transforming until I can’t see the pond behind the trees. My heart lifted from the depression I was feeling for those moments I looked over the field. It has returned, I am not sure why, but I know that it will leave and hope will return.
What within me is in the way of getting to where I most want to be?
Now that I have examined where I am in my life and where I would like to be, whether it is a tangible goal or a spiritual ideal, I need to examine what is in my way, what is blocking me from progressing to where I would like to most be. When pondering this question we need to look at what is limiting us, holding us back from our desired goal or state.
Limiting Beliefs
Most of the time what stops us from becoming the person we envision ourselves as being are limiting beliefs. We tell ourselves we are not good enough, that we can’t do it, we are not worthy, etc. If I believe I can’t do something it makes sense that I will fail. If I tell my self that I am not good at something I won’t take the chance of exploring an opportunity farther.
I’ve had trouble writing this post over the last couple of days due to a belief I have: I am not a good writer. I tell myself that a lot and at times it makes writing blog posts agonizing. I believe that I do not communicate my ideas clearly. Yet, when I read the comments people leave I find that my belief is not true.
Where do I most want to be in my life?
Ah, this is the question of all questions. Most times when I ponder this question I can feel my heart soar. Even as I write this and think about the question I can feel my heart wanting to burst out and be free of the limitations of self. I feel like that bird with the broken wing who longs to fly once again.
In the introduction I mentioned that this question leads to a goal or dream but Jean at the cheerfulmonk left a comment that it takes a lot of stress of herself if she focuses “on being curious, exploring and having an adventure rather than pushing for a goal/dream.” Her comment made me think about approaching this question with a sense of wonderment. So, rather than approaching this question as having an end result like a goal I can meditate or think about the question with my heart and spirit opened to the possibilities that exist, not to necessarily limit myself to something tangible.
I read through some of my journals from the empowerment workshops I attended on Friendship Island and I found that the answers to where do I want to be in my life usually were images that were more symbolic and less goal oriented. I’ve already mentioned the bird who wants to soar. I also found a rose bush in full bloom, a diamond that shines brightly even though it’s flawed and an image of myself standing on the front of a large sailboat, arms opened wide to take in the love of others.
In order to change and grow I have to take stock of where I am in my life at this moment. I need to look at the positive and negative and accept the answers that I find. If I can’t accept my life as it is in the moment then I cannot truly change.
When I live in denial of who I am at a given moment I don’t have to take any action.
The alcoholic who is in denial doesn’t have to stop drinking because, of course, her drinking is not a problem. But once she takes that first step of admitting and accepting she is an alcoholic, that her drinking is a problem, and wanting to change then action is required.
For me, denial keeps me stuck and hitting the proverbial brick wall and asking myself why things don’t change. I blame things like having fibromyalgia and depression for my lot in life. I rely on excuses to cover up my failings. I sit and wish that things were different and when I try to make changes I seem to always end up back where I started. I don’t have a true sense of self or my position in life making it impossible to move forward.
Acceptance is the key to change.
Yet when I accept where and who I am then I can start to take the steps needed to work towards where I want to be. By asking the question, who am I right now and seeing my self in a true light, without judgement, then I can stop fighting, making excuses or hiding. Action then becomes a requirement if I truly want my life to change. I become humble.
